Passive vs Active Voice? What Does That Even Mean?

As a newbie author, I was obsessively checking my email, anxiously awaiting my first round of editor notes on my very first manuscript. Would it be full of red strike-outs? Did I put commas in all the right spots? What would be the number one thing she wanted me to fix?

Aside from eliminating one space from the two I had inserted after each and every sentence ended (because I grew up in the 70s and 80s and that’s what we were taught to do on our typewriters, thank you very much) the number one note she had for me was to go through my manuscript and identify the passive voice and, where appropriate, replace it with active voice. She instructed me to “show, not tell.”

Huh? What in the world did she mean by that? She had marked a few sentences as passive so I had a place to start but I had no idea how to make those passages active.

Google to the rescue, I did some research and discovered the difference. Passive voice, put simply, is when the subject of the sentence is acted upon by the verb. For example, “The cheesecake was stolen by my dog.” The subject (cheesecake) was acted on using the verb (was stolen) by the object (my dog).

In active voice, the subject is performing the action. “My dog stole the cheesecake.” It is usually a more direct, stronger way to communicate. And it’s really up to the author to determine what kind of prose is needed based on what they are trying to convey, or what kind of emotion they are hoping to invoke.

Passive voice isn’t “wrong” or “bad” writing but it can be (and often is) used poorly. However, there are times when it is preferred. If the object of the sentence is not important or if you want to minimize the object, passive may work. For example, if you didn’t want to blow your dog in, you could say, “The cheesecake was stolen.” The subject is obscured, intentionally, so we don’t know who did the stealing. To make that same sentence active you would say, “Someone stole the cheesecake.”

Journalists often use passive voice very effectively and the distance it creates works for reporting the news. It doesn’t usually work as well in fiction writing, as it can create distance where you want to create connection. You will still use it some in fiction and there’s nothing wrong with it. Just don’t use it all the time.

Here are a few examples of passive and active voice.

“There were bronze sconces on either side of the fireplace.” (Passive)

“Bronze sconces framed the fireplace.” (Active)

“The mound of dirty dishes was washed by hand.” (Passive)

“I hand-washed the mound of dirty dishes.” (Active)

And now lets see how this plays out in long form:

Emily walked into the room she would call home for the winter semester. The walls were a soft yellow and the cherry floors were covered by a massive braided blue and white rug. There was a bed on the far wall with windows on either side. The bed had lots of pillows along the headboard and a throw blanket was artfully tossed at an angle on the foot of the bed. To the right there was a lit fireplace with velvet wingback chairs in front of it. She could totally see herself curling up with a good book in one of the chairs tonight.

You might not be able to pinpoint why, as a reader, the previous paragraph feels a bit awkward and clumsy. But as a writer, you should be able to immediately identify the culprit as a paragraph chock full of passive writing.

The following communicates the same basic details as the earlier paragraph, but it does so with active language that draws the reader into the moment with the character.

Emily set her weathered bag down and took in the room she would call home for the winter semester. The soft yellow walls reminded her of early morning sunshine. A massive navy and cream, braided rug warmed the cherry hardwoods and on the far wall, twin lead-paned windows framed an incredibly comfy-looking queen-sized bed, smothered in creamy linens. If she didn’t have to get back downstairs for dinner, she would happily lose herself in the mounds of pillows and throws topping the down comforter. To the right, a pair of velvety wingback chairs flanked the fireplace where the crackling fire tempted her to stay for a while, curled up with a good book. Later, she promised herself with a wistful sigh.

Can you see and feel the difference? Both described the room. But one paragraph told you what the room looked like. While the other showed you with a combination of active descriptions and emotional reactions. Which was more enjoyable to read? I’m hoping it was the second one.

Passive writing creates distance between the writer and the reader. When you are telling the reader what the character sees using passive voice, it comes across as a list of features. When you use active voice, the reader feels like they are seeing through the character’s eyes and feeling what the character feels. It’s a powerful way to connect your readers to your characters on a deeper level.

So, if you, like me, are given the advice to minimize passive voice and use more active voice, how do you figure out where your writing needs work? Passive voice uses some form of the verb “to be” (am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been). I suggest you plug all of the “to be” verbs into your “find” feature in your writing software and read the sentences aloud to see who or what is doing the acting. Often the use of “was” isn’t because it’s passive. But that word is a good indicator that you may be dealing with passive voice.

This isn’t a science, it’s an art form and as the writer, you still get to decide what stays and what goes. I simply encourage you to find some creative ways to show, not tell. With practice you’ll start to notice passive voice as you’re writing and you’ll need to fix it less and less as you naturally start using more active voice in your writing.

Oh, and remember, it’s one space after a period. Not two, boomer.

Safe or Authentic—Time to Choose

Remember that one time when March of 2020 hit and everything went insane? Remember how Covid broke time? It kind of feels like that TV show, Manifest, where an entire plane full of people take off in one year and when they land—what seems to them like a few hours later—five years have passed! (Prophetic, really, considering it came out in 2018.)

While obviously not in the literal sense, I kind of feel like those passengers. I feel like 2019 happened and then ergojio%lsjkeare^ roerj@oeroe;fefoi !gpoerie}rpogm*reoitp happened and then I woke up and it was today. In reality, a lot has happened in my life since 2020:

• I started and—a year later—ended a podcast. (Absolutely loved doing this but logistics overruled desire when both my co-host and I moved to different states.)

• Three of our four young adult kids moved out (all six of us were quarantined together in the house they grew up in…hmmm…wonder if that had anything to do with everyone moving to different states? ;)

• I built a home studio and became an audiobook narrator then dismantled said studio because we decided we were done living in NY and we needed to put the house up for sale. (We loved raising our kids in Buffalo but the combination of my extreme disgust with winter and my husband’s extreme disgust with NY politics meant it was time to go! )

• We went under contract on a new construction home in St. Augustine, FL which was supposed to be ready in August, 2021. (Spoiler Alert: it was done in April, 2022.)

• We moved to Florida but since our house was massively delayed, we ended up putting our Buffalo house up as an Airbnb for a year and it did shockingly well for a suburban home in a very residential area.

• I worked at a medical cannabis dispensary for a few months, and learned a lot about a topic I’m fascinated by.

• Our youngest graduated high-school and started college this year.

So it’s not like nothing was happening over the last three years. I actually made some really massive changes in my life. But it’s all felt muted and cloudy. Like I’ve been existing in my iPhone’s Low Power Mode. I’ve been present and I’ve been living but constantly in danger of burning out and not all my regular features were available.

See, I’m a very empathetic person. I don’t just notice the emotions in the room. I feel them. Which means all the trauma that has been happening in our country, and around the world, and all the division it has caused has been especially heavy for me. It felt like the entire world was screaming at each other and I was standing in the middle trying to make sense of it all.

In order to stay sane, I think I turned the volume of the world down as much as I possibly could. I went into a sort of stasis of emotion where I knew what was going on but I couldn’t engage too much. I wrote in my journal recently that I feel like I’ve been in an emotional fetal position for a few years and I’m just now stretching out my limbs and getting back on my feet. And this is probably why it feels like I got on a plane and when I landed, years had passed.

Yesterday was my 51st birthday, and as I looked at all the lovely birthday messages on my Facebook feed, I realized I’ve missed people. I’ve intentionally stayed off Facebook as much as possible because it was so vicious for a time. But I found myself taking a second to think about each one of those people who wished me happy birthday, and being thankful for having them in my life. Connection is a vital emotional nutrient, necessary for humans to thrive and by protecting myself from the loud emotions of the world, I’ve unintentionally starved myself.

I didn’t exactly notice my emotional emaciation because I spent most of my free time reading novels so I didn’t have to think about difficult things. A bookclub friend gave me a bookmark yesterday and I’m sure she has no idea how accurate it really was for me. It reads, “I just want to read my books and ignore all of my adult problems.” How did she know? This is exactly how I’ve been coping. But I’m aware that it’s not a long-term, sustainable solution. (Although it’s tempting to try. I do LOVE to read!)

In addition to cutting myself off from all the riotous emotions colliding in the ether, I also muted my own voice. I stopped writing for a time. I rarely said what I thought about anything, in a public forum. And I’ve avoided discussions that had any potential for conflict. It’s always been difficult for me to have strong opinions. I’m a peace-maker at heart and harmony in my environment is a daily aspiration. (If you’re an enneagram aficionado, you can probably guess that I’m an Ennea9.)

Strong opinions feel dangerous because they could cause conflict. What if what I want clashes with what a loved-one wants? Well, I don’t like conflict so it’s obvious. Just give the loved-one what they want. It’s much easier to acquiesce and be happy about it than it is to dig down, figure out what I truly want, and be willing and able to stand in my convictions—without caving in order to eliminate any possible strife.

But I’m not willing to live that way anymore. I’m re-engaging in the world, I’m taking myself off of mute and I’m writing a book that is the equivalent of immersion therapy (where you face your fears on a continual basis until they no longer seem so scary). This book is a departure from my past writing. It’s not a novel, but a memoir of sorts. It’s the story of a recovering people-pleaser learning how to live authentically in a world obsessed with filters, feeds, and follower counts.

As people in society self-censor more and more, I’m writing a book in which I say what I think about everything. I’m talking about all the things we’re not supposed to talk about: Sex, Drugs, Marriage, Politics, Religion and more.

This. Feels. Terrifying.

For the most part, I’ve spent my whole life being able to get along with almost everyone because I don’t rock boats and I don’t take stands. In many ways, this has served me well. But I don’t think it fits me anymore. I think it’s time to lean into authenticity and let the chips fall where they may. I’d rather live an authentic life with a few friends than be liked by everyone but known by no-one—having little to no impact on the world around me.

I’ve got some heavy writing to do. I have no idea where this journey will take me but I intend to enjoy the ride. And my sincerest hope is that me being real, raw, and authentic will inspire others to do the same. Stay tuned.

Is Real community possible on social media? (Or is it all just a big dumpster fire?)

I lost my phone today. I had it this morning but when I left the house for an overnight in Rochester, I couldn’t find it anywhere. But never fear...I’m thanking the Apple gods who convinced me to get the ipad with cellular service. I can still function. It’s all okay. No need to call the hospital and search for a post-nervous-breakdown me. 

I still feel weird tho....like I’m missing an appendage. I mean, I probably do use my phone more than say my pinky finger. Certainly more than I use my appendix (what is that there for again?) So I guess feeling like it’s part of my body isn’t so strange. And I’m fine with that. I LIKE that I can use my hand-held superpower mega computer for so many things every day. I’m thankful for my phone and all the ways it helps me. Yes, it can be an annoying distraction at times but overall I see it as a really beneficial part of living in the age we’re in.

But I suspect there will be two reactions to this post: One by the people who are like me. (You are hyperventilating at the thought of losing your phone. I remind you...all is well...ipad.) You feel my pain and you are with me in hoping I find my phone soon. (Update at the end of this post.)

And the other will be those who are in the “technology is obnoxious and is mostly ruining our lives” camp (Hi dad, I’m looking at you! But you don’t know it because you’re not on social media…haha) who might feel a bit of smug satisfaction that I will learn the lesson that I’m addicted to my phone and maybe I’ll come out of this healthier. (Doubtful)

To that second group, I appreciate your “well wishes.” I really do. I respect your right to your anti-tech stance in life. (I am pondering how you’re reading this post without technology but that’s another story.) In all seriousness, I really do respect the group of people who eschew technology and all it’s distracting bings and dings. And I would not be opposed at all to the idea of a week away with no texts, facebook, instagram, etc. I think there’s a time and a place for unplugging—no question—I just can’t imagine it as a lifestyle. However, I respect your right to view things as you do and call me from your land line rather than text me. Just as I hope you’ll respect my right to ignore phone calls (they feel so aggressive to me 😳😂) and wait for text messages to arrive explaining what the call was in reference to. At that point, I might even call you back. Who knows! But I don’t think I’m right and you’re wrong. Nor do I think you’re right and I’m wrong. We are just wired differently. (No pun intended.)

We all see things through a lens that’s built by our lifetime of experiences as well as our personality and beliefs. As a matter of fact, did you know we are actually hard-wired to gravitate toward data and experiences that confirm what we already think? It’s called Confirmation Bias. And we all have it. Ever notice when you’re looking at reviews for a local restaurant that you want to try out, you tend to skip over the one star reviews and focus on the five star ones? But if you’re looking at reviews for a place your friend wants to go to and you’ve heard bad things about it, you focus on the one star reviews. Those confirm what you already think so they stand out to you.

For example, picture this scenario: There’s a thirty-something woman at a playground with her six year old. She’s at a bench near the play set her daughter is playing on but her earbuds are in and her focus is on her phone. She looks at her phone just about every 30 seconds. She occasionally types something, puts the phone down, looks for her daughter and then picks up the phone again. Twice the daughter calls out for her mom to “watch this, mom!” But mom doesn’t hear her and daughter just shrugs and goes on to the next climbing ladder. This goes on for 30 minutes until mom takes her daughter’s hand and walks away from the park.

The non-tech-loving person may conclude that this mom is ignoring her daughter in favor of scrolling instagram and texting a friend. Noting, once again, how aggravating it is that people constantly have their cell phones out, fully distracting them from what’s important.

The tech-loving person might watch this scene and conclude that the mom is probably dealing with an emergency and is texting someone who’s at the hospital keeping her posted on the situation with a close family member who is undergoing surgery. They would probably note that it’s really great that the mom can deal with the situation remotely while allowing her daughter some play time rather than being cooped up in a hospital waiting room.

The truth is usually somewhere in between. The mom is supposed to be at work on a webinar but her babysitter called and needed her to pick up her daughter early. So the mom thought it would be nice for her daughter to get some fresh air while she watches her webinar from the bench beside the play set. It’s a win-win. She gets her work done and her daughter gets to use up some energy and soak up some sunshine.

But our confirmation bias causes us to assume different things when looking at a situation like this (and really in most situations we come across). I see technology as a mostly positive tool in my life. So I usually focus on the facts that support my positive view of tech:

• I love that I can connect with people on social media who I haven’t seen in 20 years and then when I’m traveling through their city, I get to see them in person because they see from my fb post that I’m in their town. 

• I love that when I was typing this and I typed “eschew” and had that sudden, “Am I using that right?” feeling, I could google it and ensure that yes indeed, it means to deliberately avoid using something. Thanks Google. 

• I love that I wrote my first book, set in Ireland, and had never set foot there but was able to google all the things I needed to build my little Irish town, grounded in reality. 

• And even more cool, that when I did get to go to Ireland after my book was published, I got to visit all the places I googled and see them in real life...what a cool experience!

• I love that when my friends move away, I know I won’t lose touch with them just because I won’t run into them at Wegmans anymore. I can still be a part of their lives through technology and I think that’s awesome.

However, none of my positive feelings about it will convince someone who leans toward viewing technology as a burden. So I’m not even trying to change anyone’s mind. I’m simply trying to illuminate a truth that we could all learn from…we have bias and we rarely realize it. The truth of a situation is rarely what we think it is. And that’s why I’ve spent a lot of time over the last several years trying to listen more than I talk. When I have a reaction to something someone says online, I’m trying to reach out and ask them to tell me more about how they feel rather than digging in and defending my position. I think the more we listen to each other’s stories, the more we will understand each other and that seems vital to me in today’s opinion-charged environment.

I created a facebook group recently because I wanted to create a gathering place, an online community, where things can be discussed without rancor. Where we can agree to disagree. Where we can learn and grow by listening to opposing viewpoints. And the bottom line for me is that I feel more alive when I’m helping other women grow in confidence and find their passion. So I’m constantly giving book recommendations, sending people podcasts, sharing websites…whatever I can do to help someone get the resources they need to grow more into who they’re meant to be. This is what my website and Facebook group are there for. To offer resources and engage in helpful discussions that help women more fully embrace who they are meant to be. (Guys too…but my passion tends to be in helping women so that’s where I put my focus).

You’ll see that both my new website and my facebook group are titled “Rebekah Ruth- Books, Brains & Banter.” That title is the jumping off point but not the whole of what these spaces are for. Books, brains and beauty was the easy place to start because I’m already a book girl and most people who know me, know that. Between writing books and voraciously reading books…I’m a book nerd all the way. Brains…that encompasses some of the topics I’m most passionate about. Psychology (the arena that holds things like the idea of confirmation bias) and personality profiles…these things make me happy. I love learning more about mental health and wellness. And then banter…well that’s because I love to have deep conversations with people and I’m planning to do that in some exciting new ways in the future. But that’s not where my online space will end. Over time, I’ll be adding several other “B-word” topics. Body, Biz, Belief, Bedroom, Bucks, Beats, etc. (I’ll leave it to your imagination as to what those other tabs will contain on my website.) You won’t see politics on there. Because it doesn’t start with B. Ha. But also because I feel like that arena has almost become poison/toxic. So while I’m happy to discuss topics that may influence the political arena (money, culture, health, business, beliefs, etc.) you won’t see me painting anything red or blue on my website (unless it’s Fourth of July and I’m painting my nails).

So, to my question in the title, is real community possible on social media? My bias tells me yes. But so does my experience. Not long after I started my Facebook group I joined one that has been a great example of what online community can become. One of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker, started an online book club a couple months ago. I love her style, her writing, her snark and her heart. Sign me up! I was in as soon as I saw the announcement. And one of the perks of the group is a private facebook group for members of the book club (all 1,947 of us!). So you can imagine, with almost 2000 women, there are lots of differing opinions on everything. We have a common thread…all being drawn to the writing of Jen Hatmaker. So it stands to reason that we’d have some similar ways of looking at things. But we also are very diverse and span a wide range of religious, political and social beliefs. And sometimes I see posts on there that make me roll my eyes. But mostly, I’m just enjoying the community.

The first day, a bunch of us introduced ourself (back when there were only like 600 of us 😂) and as I read through the intros, I was drawn to one woman’s post. I commented on it and asked her if she’d been to a particular conference that seemed like it would be a good fit for her. She hadn’t but once I told her about it, she wanted to sign up to go this fall. I had been considering canceling my plans to go just the week before, but soon another woman joined our discussion and before you know it, we were all three booked to go and room together. Guys, we’ve never even met each other. And if social media were not a thing, we never would. But through social media, I have two new friends and I have a feeling we are going to have a blast in Colorado this October.

So what’s my point? I guess I’m just feeling like we all need to take a step back, assume people are doing the best they can, and start focusing more on being who we want to be rather than trying to convince others to be who we want them to be. None of us has the full story. None of us knows anything truly for sure. So it would behoove us (yes, I said behoove…I’ve been reading a lot of regency time period romances lately) to think what we think, believe what we believe, but always make a little room for, “But I may be wrong.”

P.S. I’ve included a few interesting YouTube videos below about the subject of Confirmation Bias or the closely related Motivated Reasoning. Also, my husband and son found my phone. On the side of the road, crushed to bits after sliding off the top of my SUV where I had unknowingly placed it. Oy!

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What Kind of Animal Are You?

Okay, that title is a multiple choice question, not a rhetorical one. What kind of animal are you? Here are your choices:

1. Lion

2. Otter

3. Golden Retriever

4. Beaver

Now, if you’re jumping out of your seat right now with your hand waving in the air, saying, “Oooh, tell me which one I am!!” you can take a seat. You’re an Otter.

If you’d like more time to think this over and more specific details about the animals, you’re probably a Beaver.

If you’re waiting patiently for me to tell you which one you are, you’re probably a Golden Retriever.

And if you think this list is silly and you’d rather use your own list, you’re probably a Lion.

seven-year-old jonny

While that was not a scientific experiment, and no one is strictly all one personality type, it is interesting to see how similar we can be to the personality profiles that are out there. The one I’m highlighting today is from a children’s book by Gary Smalley and John Trent called, The Treasure Tree. I remember reading it with my youngest when he was seven and it was amazing how quickly he could identify some basic traits in our family members. 

The story follows four animals (you guessed it): A lion, otter, beaver and golden retriever who are best friends heading out on an adventure to find a treasure tree. Four keys must be found and each of the different personalities comes in handy to help find the keys.

It’s a great way to introduce young children to the concept of personality styles. I love the idea of kids learning about this because I desperately wish I had understood it at a younger age. I think it would have helped me to be more secure in who I was and not as easily intimidated by people with different personalities.

You may not be familiar with these particular personality styles so I’ll give a quick overview. (For today, I’m using the animal names used in the Treasure Tree but in parenthesis, I’ll indicate the corresponding personality style from the popular DiSC profile.) Keep in mind, most people are a combination of two or three of the styles, with one or two being the most predominant. For example, I’m a Golden Retriever-Otter with some Lion thrown in for good measure. As you read through the characteristics, I bet people will automatically come to mind for each animal.

Lion (Direct)

Lions are extroverts who are task oriented. They are leaders, partly because they enjoy being in control. They love a challenge and they expect people to follow them and do things their way. They make decisions quickly, without showing any fear. They have to be careful that they don’t come across as arrogant and unyielding.

Otter (Influential)

Otters are extroverts who are people oriented. They love to talk and they’re the life of the party. You know it when they walk into a room because they make their presence known, often speaking or laughing loudly. They are fun and spontaneous, playful and enthusiastic. On the down-side they tend to be disorganized, chronically late and have difficulty focusing on tasks. They despise details.

Golden Retriever (Steady)

Retrievers are introverts who are people oriented. They are kind and compassionate. They like security and enjoy a small group of close friends. They make others feel welcomed and loved. They are great listeners and are loyal friends. They avoid conflict and change, preferring to keep the status quo. They can be stubborn and they don’t always like to try new things.

Beaver (Cautious)

Beavers are introverts who are task oriented. They are organized and they love the details, always asking lots of questions. They finish what they start. They can be very creative and inventive. They like order and predicability. They have to be careful not to be too critical of others or expect others to live up to their high personal standards.

If you’re a mom or dad, I’ll bet you can see your kids in some of those descriptions. I literally have one of each. And it helps me to know that my Golden Retriever-Beaver doesn’t want to sing in the school musical because it’s just not how he’s wired. I have some Otter in me so I like to be on stage and for a while, I truly couldn’t understand why he preferred to be on the stage crew, behind the scenes. I just thought he needed more encouragement to get out on the stage. But as I applied what I know about personality styles I realized that he has little to no Otter in him so it’s completely understandable that he doesn’t want to be the center of attention.

On the other hand, I have an Otter who never stops talking. Every day, when he gets home from school, he asks who he can go play with. Every day! His social calendar exhausts me. And while I set limits because I can’t allow “play-dates” every day, I understand that being social is hard-wired for him. He thrives on social interaction. Knowing that helps me put more effort into arranging for friends to come over.

How about you? Do you see yourself in these descriptions? Do you see your kids, spouse or friends? Learning more about how the personality styles interact can be incredibly beneficial in all your relationships. I could probably write 5 more posts on this subject, there is so much to talk about (there’s the Otter in me, coming out again.) But for now, you could take an online assessment. Some assessments cost money, others require an email subscription and some are just free. If you google "free online disc assessment" a wide variety will come up. Enjoy the process and keep in mind, these kinds of things are meant to help you figure some things out but none are perfect and none are for boxing you in to one type of personality. Have fun with it but don't take it too seriously! (There's another assessment tool called, Strengths Finder, that I absolutely love. I'll do a future post on that one!

I'd love to hear your thoughts on personality profiles/assessments in the comments below!

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Note to my Readers: In the transition to this website I will be posting some of my most popular blog posts from my original blog. This one was, by far, the most viewed post on my blog. I think people are fascinated by personality profiles and figuring out what makes us tick. None of it is 100% accurate nor is it meant to box people in. But if it's looked at as a helpful tool, I think it can really help make relationships easier. I'll be posting more on the subject for sure. Stay tuned...