Is Real community possible on social media? (Or is it all just a big dumpster fire?)

I lost my phone today. I had it this morning but when I left the house for an overnight in Rochester, I couldn’t find it anywhere. But never fear...I’m thanking the Apple gods who convinced me to get the ipad with cellular service. I can still function. It’s all okay. No need to call the hospital and search for a post-nervous-breakdown me. 

I still feel weird tho....like I’m missing an appendage. I mean, I probably do use my phone more than say my pinky finger. Certainly more than I use my appendix (what is that there for again?) So I guess feeling like it’s part of my body isn’t so strange. And I’m fine with that. I LIKE that I can use my hand-held superpower mega computer for so many things every day. I’m thankful for my phone and all the ways it helps me. Yes, it can be an annoying distraction at times but overall I see it as a really beneficial part of living in the age we’re in.

But I suspect there will be two reactions to this post: One by the people who are like me. (You are hyperventilating at the thought of losing your phone. I remind you...all is well...ipad.) You feel my pain and you are with me in hoping I find my phone soon. (Update at the end of this post.)

And the other will be those who are in the “technology is obnoxious and is mostly ruining our lives” camp (Hi dad, I’m looking at you! But you don’t know it because you’re not on social media…haha) who might feel a bit of smug satisfaction that I will learn the lesson that I’m addicted to my phone and maybe I’ll come out of this healthier. (Doubtful)

To that second group, I appreciate your “well wishes.” I really do. I respect your right to your anti-tech stance in life. (I am pondering how you’re reading this post without technology but that’s another story.) In all seriousness, I really do respect the group of people who eschew technology and all it’s distracting bings and dings. And I would not be opposed at all to the idea of a week away with no texts, facebook, instagram, etc. I think there’s a time and a place for unplugging—no question—I just can’t imagine it as a lifestyle. However, I respect your right to view things as you do and call me from your land line rather than text me. Just as I hope you’ll respect my right to ignore phone calls (they feel so aggressive to me 😳😂) and wait for text messages to arrive explaining what the call was in reference to. At that point, I might even call you back. Who knows! But I don’t think I’m right and you’re wrong. Nor do I think you’re right and I’m wrong. We are just wired differently. (No pun intended.)

We all see things through a lens that’s built by our lifetime of experiences as well as our personality and beliefs. As a matter of fact, did you know we are actually hard-wired to gravitate toward data and experiences that confirm what we already think? It’s called Confirmation Bias. And we all have it. Ever notice when you’re looking at reviews for a local restaurant that you want to try out, you tend to skip over the one star reviews and focus on the five star ones? But if you’re looking at reviews for a place your friend wants to go to and you’ve heard bad things about it, you focus on the one star reviews. Those confirm what you already think so they stand out to you.

For example, picture this scenario: There’s a thirty-something woman at a playground with her six year old. She’s at a bench near the play set her daughter is playing on but her earbuds are in and her focus is on her phone. She looks at her phone just about every 30 seconds. She occasionally types something, puts the phone down, looks for her daughter and then picks up the phone again. Twice the daughter calls out for her mom to “watch this, mom!” But mom doesn’t hear her and daughter just shrugs and goes on to the next climbing ladder. This goes on for 30 minutes until mom takes her daughter’s hand and walks away from the park.

The non-tech-loving person may conclude that this mom is ignoring her daughter in favor of scrolling instagram and texting a friend. Noting, once again, how aggravating it is that people constantly have their cell phones out, fully distracting them from what’s important.

The tech-loving person might watch this scene and conclude that the mom is probably dealing with an emergency and is texting someone who’s at the hospital keeping her posted on the situation with a close family member who is undergoing surgery. They would probably note that it’s really great that the mom can deal with the situation remotely while allowing her daughter some play time rather than being cooped up in a hospital waiting room.

The truth is usually somewhere in between. The mom is supposed to be at work on a webinar but her babysitter called and needed her to pick up her daughter early. So the mom thought it would be nice for her daughter to get some fresh air while she watches her webinar from the bench beside the play set. It’s a win-win. She gets her work done and her daughter gets to use up some energy and soak up some sunshine.

But our confirmation bias causes us to assume different things when looking at a situation like this (and really in most situations we come across). I see technology as a mostly positive tool in my life. So I usually focus on the facts that support my positive view of tech:

• I love that I can connect with people on social media who I haven’t seen in 20 years and then when I’m traveling through their city, I get to see them in person because they see from my fb post that I’m in their town. 

• I love that when I was typing this and I typed “eschew” and had that sudden, “Am I using that right?” feeling, I could google it and ensure that yes indeed, it means to deliberately avoid using something. Thanks Google. 

• I love that I wrote my first book, set in Ireland, and had never set foot there but was able to google all the things I needed to build my little Irish town, grounded in reality. 

• And even more cool, that when I did get to go to Ireland after my book was published, I got to visit all the places I googled and see them in real life...what a cool experience!

• I love that when my friends move away, I know I won’t lose touch with them just because I won’t run into them at Wegmans anymore. I can still be a part of their lives through technology and I think that’s awesome.

However, none of my positive feelings about it will convince someone who leans toward viewing technology as a burden. So I’m not even trying to change anyone’s mind. I’m simply trying to illuminate a truth that we could all learn from…we have bias and we rarely realize it. The truth of a situation is rarely what we think it is. And that’s why I’ve spent a lot of time over the last several years trying to listen more than I talk. When I have a reaction to something someone says online, I’m trying to reach out and ask them to tell me more about how they feel rather than digging in and defending my position. I think the more we listen to each other’s stories, the more we will understand each other and that seems vital to me in today’s opinion-charged environment.

I created a facebook group recently because I wanted to create a gathering place, an online community, where things can be discussed without rancor. Where we can agree to disagree. Where we can learn and grow by listening to opposing viewpoints. And the bottom line for me is that I feel more alive when I’m helping other women grow in confidence and find their passion. So I’m constantly giving book recommendations, sending people podcasts, sharing websites…whatever I can do to help someone get the resources they need to grow more into who they’re meant to be. This is what my website and Facebook group are there for. To offer resources and engage in helpful discussions that help women more fully embrace who they are meant to be. (Guys too…but my passion tends to be in helping women so that’s where I put my focus).

You’ll see that both my new website and my facebook group are titled “Rebekah Ruth- Books, Brains & Banter.” That title is the jumping off point but not the whole of what these spaces are for. Books, brains and beauty was the easy place to start because I’m already a book girl and most people who know me, know that. Between writing books and voraciously reading books…I’m a book nerd all the way. Brains…that encompasses some of the topics I’m most passionate about. Psychology (the arena that holds things like the idea of confirmation bias) and personality profiles…these things make me happy. I love learning more about mental health and wellness. And then banter…well that’s because I love to have deep conversations with people and I’m planning to do that in some exciting new ways in the future. But that’s not where my online space will end. Over time, I’ll be adding several other “B-word” topics. Body, Biz, Belief, Bedroom, Bucks, Beats, etc. (I’ll leave it to your imagination as to what those other tabs will contain on my website.) You won’t see politics on there. Because it doesn’t start with B. Ha. But also because I feel like that arena has almost become poison/toxic. So while I’m happy to discuss topics that may influence the political arena (money, culture, health, business, beliefs, etc.) you won’t see me painting anything red or blue on my website (unless it’s Fourth of July and I’m painting my nails).

So, to my question in the title, is real community possible on social media? My bias tells me yes. But so does my experience. Not long after I started my Facebook group I joined one that has been a great example of what online community can become. One of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker, started an online book club a couple months ago. I love her style, her writing, her snark and her heart. Sign me up! I was in as soon as I saw the announcement. And one of the perks of the group is a private facebook group for members of the book club (all 1,947 of us!). So you can imagine, with almost 2000 women, there are lots of differing opinions on everything. We have a common thread…all being drawn to the writing of Jen Hatmaker. So it stands to reason that we’d have some similar ways of looking at things. But we also are very diverse and span a wide range of religious, political and social beliefs. And sometimes I see posts on there that make me roll my eyes. But mostly, I’m just enjoying the community.

The first day, a bunch of us introduced ourself (back when there were only like 600 of us 😂) and as I read through the intros, I was drawn to one woman’s post. I commented on it and asked her if she’d been to a particular conference that seemed like it would be a good fit for her. She hadn’t but once I told her about it, she wanted to sign up to go this fall. I had been considering canceling my plans to go just the week before, but soon another woman joined our discussion and before you know it, we were all three booked to go and room together. Guys, we’ve never even met each other. And if social media were not a thing, we never would. But through social media, I have two new friends and I have a feeling we are going to have a blast in Colorado this October.

So what’s my point? I guess I’m just feeling like we all need to take a step back, assume people are doing the best they can, and start focusing more on being who we want to be rather than trying to convince others to be who we want them to be. None of us has the full story. None of us knows anything truly for sure. So it would behoove us (yes, I said behoove…I’ve been reading a lot of regency time period romances lately) to think what we think, believe what we believe, but always make a little room for, “But I may be wrong.”

P.S. I’ve included a few interesting YouTube videos below about the subject of Confirmation Bias or the closely related Motivated Reasoning. Also, my husband and son found my phone. On the side of the road, crushed to bits after sliding off the top of my SUV where I had unknowingly placed it. Oy!

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Airing My Clean Laundry (aka…Stop Comparing your Behind the Scenes with their Highlight Reel!)

(One of my favorite posts from my original blog. First posted 11/5/14)

So, I’ve been collecting pictures for months for this particular blog post. Some time around Christmas, a friend told me she wasn't going on Facebook anymore because seeing everyone else’s perfect kids and perfect husbands and Pinterest-worthy one-year-old birthday parties and Hawaiian vacations, etc., etc., was making her feel bad about her life.

I thought, but you know that’s just people’s highlight reel, right? It’s not their every day. It’s where they post the things they are happy about, excited for...you know...the highlights.

Then, I remembered when I posted some family pictures (I actually don’t post many pictures of my kids. Not because I’m against it or anything. No, I just forget to take them). So we hired an incredible photographer (shameless plug here for Sj Bridgeman) to take some family photos and I shared some of them on Facebook...mostly so extended family could have access to them. (Because you know, I'm probably never going to actually get around to having prints made. Yeah, it's been on my ToDo list for six months.) And also, cuz it’s probably the only time I’ve ever looked half decent in my photos.

When I posted this pic…

… a sweet young friend commented that she hopes she and her baby girl have a relationship like me and my daughter. I remember looking at that comment and actually laughing out loud. Not because it’s not a sweet sentiment. It is. And not because I don’t want her and her little one to have a great relationship. I do. But because the assumption appeared to be, because we look happy in the photo, that we have a great relationship.

Um...I can say now, that we really do, but that's very recent. After nineteen years, we are finally starting to get each other. But at the time, we were really struggling to like each other. And being her mom has always been hard … because she’s amazingly smart and strong-willed.

These days, I couldn’t be more proud of the young lady she’s become. As a matter of fact, yesterday was probably one of my favorite days ever, with her. I think she's pretty brilliant. But she will tell you, there were times we didn’t know if she would make it out of childhood alive! (Settle down...it’s hyperbole. I wouldn’t actually have killed her. On purpose.)

Anywho … it struck me then, as it did again when my friend went on her Facebook fast, that so many people are comparing other people’s Highlight-Reel with their own Behind-the-Scenes. 

Friends, that doesn’t work. Stop doing it. 

It’s unhealthy for you and for those around you. You’ve probably heard it said, “Comparison is the death of contentment.” That’s true. And that’s when you’re comparing apples to apples. But this comparing your life to what you see online? That’s not even apples to oranges. It’s like apples to monkeys. 

Most people don’t post the bad stuff on Facebook. Cuz that would just be weird:

“Here’s the picture of Tommy writhing on the floor after his brother kicked him in the balls.”

“Oh, and here’s a great one of my teenager giving me the finger.”

“And this one...can’t forget this one. Little Suzy had just puked and decided to rest her head on the toilet. So sweet.”

“And this is a selfie of me, giving my husband the silent treatment cuz I’m pissed at him.”

People! All this stuff is happening to other people, too. It’s just not socially acceptable to share it. So settle down. Relax. You’re not the only one who's a hot mess.

As a matter of fact, as I said, I’ve been trying to remember to take pics for months for this blog post. I was looking for behind-the-scenes kinds of moments. I got several.

And then I forgot about it. Cuz I do that. A lot.

But this morning, I saw a blog post about this exact thing!! I mean...exactly what I wanted to talk about. She even used the word "highlight reel" (this is the second time this week that I've been pretty sure someone has been spying on my brain.)

At first, I thought … Dang! Now I can’t write my post!

But then I remembered I’m not comparing myself to anyone else so I can write about it, too. I stopped reading immediately, and got down to business, writing what I've been wanting to write. 

I wanted to let you know, if you ever feel like you can't get your shit together, feel free to send me an email. I can list so many things that I fail at. I'll be happy to give you a list so you can feel better. Actually, I wrote a post listing all my faults. I can try to dig that up for you. ;)

And to make you feel even better, here’s a fun story. Just this weekend, I broke Nine’s little heart when I got him to the baseball field at 7:30 pm for his 8 pm game … that actually started at … 6pm.

Crap.

“But I was supposed to be the starting pitcher and I was going to get to play first base and shortstop!” (I heard that sentence over and over and over for the next two days.)

I felt HORRIBLE. Seriously, wanted to throw up cuz I felt so bad. But, it happens. I had to let it go. (I even sang the song to myself. Really. "Let it go...let it go...")

So, now, for your viewing pleasure...I have some Behind-the-Scenes family pics for ya. Enjoy! (and I really did take a pic of my youngest, sitting on the bathroom floor, just after he threw up. But, I can't find it. So you (and he) have been spared :))

The contents of my linen closet. Pretty much how they looked when they were still in the closet. (At least it's clean.) I still can't fold a fitted sheet!

 

Fighting. Even if this started out as fun, you know there was screaming within seconds...

 

This was a fun day. When Twelve broke his arm the day before basketball season started. It was awesome:

 

This one has a story. This is a picture of my very favorite tea cup. My friend, Marissa, knew I loved this little tea cup so one day, she stopped by and gave me a matching one. I was thrilled. So, I took it to the sink to wash it, and proceeded to drop it. CRASH! I don't think my friend was even out of the driveway yet. FAIL!

 

What my dining room table looks like, much of the time:

 

I was the one who applied the sunscreen. (or didn't):

 

What happens any time I don't use a timer. Take that, Pinterest:

 

And last, but certainly not least, this picture was taken ...

IN FEBRUARY!!! Bam!

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