Is Real community possible on social media? (Or is it all just a big dumpster fire?)

I lost my phone today. I had it this morning but when I left the house for an overnight in Rochester, I couldn’t find it anywhere. But never fear...I’m thanking the Apple gods who convinced me to get the ipad with cellular service. I can still function. It’s all okay. No need to call the hospital and search for a post-nervous-breakdown me. 

I still feel weird tho....like I’m missing an appendage. I mean, I probably do use my phone more than say my pinky finger. Certainly more than I use my appendix (what is that there for again?) So I guess feeling like it’s part of my body isn’t so strange. And I’m fine with that. I LIKE that I can use my hand-held superpower mega computer for so many things every day. I’m thankful for my phone and all the ways it helps me. Yes, it can be an annoying distraction at times but overall I see it as a really beneficial part of living in the age we’re in.

But I suspect there will be two reactions to this post: One by the people who are like me. (You are hyperventilating at the thought of losing your phone. I remind you...all is well...ipad.) You feel my pain and you are with me in hoping I find my phone soon. (Update at the end of this post.)

And the other will be those who are in the “technology is obnoxious and is mostly ruining our lives” camp (Hi dad, I’m looking at you! But you don’t know it because you’re not on social media…haha) who might feel a bit of smug satisfaction that I will learn the lesson that I’m addicted to my phone and maybe I’ll come out of this healthier. (Doubtful)

To that second group, I appreciate your “well wishes.” I really do. I respect your right to your anti-tech stance in life. (I am pondering how you’re reading this post without technology but that’s another story.) In all seriousness, I really do respect the group of people who eschew technology and all it’s distracting bings and dings. And I would not be opposed at all to the idea of a week away with no texts, facebook, instagram, etc. I think there’s a time and a place for unplugging—no question—I just can’t imagine it as a lifestyle. However, I respect your right to view things as you do and call me from your land line rather than text me. Just as I hope you’ll respect my right to ignore phone calls (they feel so aggressive to me 😳😂) and wait for text messages to arrive explaining what the call was in reference to. At that point, I might even call you back. Who knows! But I don’t think I’m right and you’re wrong. Nor do I think you’re right and I’m wrong. We are just wired differently. (No pun intended.)

We all see things through a lens that’s built by our lifetime of experiences as well as our personality and beliefs. As a matter of fact, did you know we are actually hard-wired to gravitate toward data and experiences that confirm what we already think? It’s called Confirmation Bias. And we all have it. Ever notice when you’re looking at reviews for a local restaurant that you want to try out, you tend to skip over the one star reviews and focus on the five star ones? But if you’re looking at reviews for a place your friend wants to go to and you’ve heard bad things about it, you focus on the one star reviews. Those confirm what you already think so they stand out to you.

For example, picture this scenario: There’s a thirty-something woman at a playground with her six year old. She’s at a bench near the play set her daughter is playing on but her earbuds are in and her focus is on her phone. She looks at her phone just about every 30 seconds. She occasionally types something, puts the phone down, looks for her daughter and then picks up the phone again. Twice the daughter calls out for her mom to “watch this, mom!” But mom doesn’t hear her and daughter just shrugs and goes on to the next climbing ladder. This goes on for 30 minutes until mom takes her daughter’s hand and walks away from the park.

The non-tech-loving person may conclude that this mom is ignoring her daughter in favor of scrolling instagram and texting a friend. Noting, once again, how aggravating it is that people constantly have their cell phones out, fully distracting them from what’s important.

The tech-loving person might watch this scene and conclude that the mom is probably dealing with an emergency and is texting someone who’s at the hospital keeping her posted on the situation with a close family member who is undergoing surgery. They would probably note that it’s really great that the mom can deal with the situation remotely while allowing her daughter some play time rather than being cooped up in a hospital waiting room.

The truth is usually somewhere in between. The mom is supposed to be at work on a webinar but her babysitter called and needed her to pick up her daughter early. So the mom thought it would be nice for her daughter to get some fresh air while she watches her webinar from the bench beside the play set. It’s a win-win. She gets her work done and her daughter gets to use up some energy and soak up some sunshine.

But our confirmation bias causes us to assume different things when looking at a situation like this (and really in most situations we come across). I see technology as a mostly positive tool in my life. So I usually focus on the facts that support my positive view of tech:

• I love that I can connect with people on social media who I haven’t seen in 20 years and then when I’m traveling through their city, I get to see them in person because they see from my fb post that I’m in their town. 

• I love that when I was typing this and I typed “eschew” and had that sudden, “Am I using that right?” feeling, I could google it and ensure that yes indeed, it means to deliberately avoid using something. Thanks Google. 

• I love that I wrote my first book, set in Ireland, and had never set foot there but was able to google all the things I needed to build my little Irish town, grounded in reality. 

• And even more cool, that when I did get to go to Ireland after my book was published, I got to visit all the places I googled and see them in real life...what a cool experience!

• I love that when my friends move away, I know I won’t lose touch with them just because I won’t run into them at Wegmans anymore. I can still be a part of their lives through technology and I think that’s awesome.

However, none of my positive feelings about it will convince someone who leans toward viewing technology as a burden. So I’m not even trying to change anyone’s mind. I’m simply trying to illuminate a truth that we could all learn from…we have bias and we rarely realize it. The truth of a situation is rarely what we think it is. And that’s why I’ve spent a lot of time over the last several years trying to listen more than I talk. When I have a reaction to something someone says online, I’m trying to reach out and ask them to tell me more about how they feel rather than digging in and defending my position. I think the more we listen to each other’s stories, the more we will understand each other and that seems vital to me in today’s opinion-charged environment.

I created a facebook group recently because I wanted to create a gathering place, an online community, where things can be discussed without rancor. Where we can agree to disagree. Where we can learn and grow by listening to opposing viewpoints. And the bottom line for me is that I feel more alive when I’m helping other women grow in confidence and find their passion. So I’m constantly giving book recommendations, sending people podcasts, sharing websites…whatever I can do to help someone get the resources they need to grow more into who they’re meant to be. This is what my website and Facebook group are there for. To offer resources and engage in helpful discussions that help women more fully embrace who they are meant to be. (Guys too…but my passion tends to be in helping women so that’s where I put my focus).

You’ll see that both my new website and my facebook group are titled “Rebekah Ruth- Books, Brains & Banter.” That title is the jumping off point but not the whole of what these spaces are for. Books, brains and beauty was the easy place to start because I’m already a book girl and most people who know me, know that. Between writing books and voraciously reading books…I’m a book nerd all the way. Brains…that encompasses some of the topics I’m most passionate about. Psychology (the arena that holds things like the idea of confirmation bias) and personality profiles…these things make me happy. I love learning more about mental health and wellness. And then banter…well that’s because I love to have deep conversations with people and I’m planning to do that in some exciting new ways in the future. But that’s not where my online space will end. Over time, I’ll be adding several other “B-word” topics. Body, Biz, Belief, Bedroom, Bucks, Beats, etc. (I’ll leave it to your imagination as to what those other tabs will contain on my website.) You won’t see politics on there. Because it doesn’t start with B. Ha. But also because I feel like that arena has almost become poison/toxic. So while I’m happy to discuss topics that may influence the political arena (money, culture, health, business, beliefs, etc.) you won’t see me painting anything red or blue on my website (unless it’s Fourth of July and I’m painting my nails).

So, to my question in the title, is real community possible on social media? My bias tells me yes. But so does my experience. Not long after I started my Facebook group I joined one that has been a great example of what online community can become. One of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker, started an online book club a couple months ago. I love her style, her writing, her snark and her heart. Sign me up! I was in as soon as I saw the announcement. And one of the perks of the group is a private facebook group for members of the book club (all 1,947 of us!). So you can imagine, with almost 2000 women, there are lots of differing opinions on everything. We have a common thread…all being drawn to the writing of Jen Hatmaker. So it stands to reason that we’d have some similar ways of looking at things. But we also are very diverse and span a wide range of religious, political and social beliefs. And sometimes I see posts on there that make me roll my eyes. But mostly, I’m just enjoying the community.

The first day, a bunch of us introduced ourself (back when there were only like 600 of us 😂) and as I read through the intros, I was drawn to one woman’s post. I commented on it and asked her if she’d been to a particular conference that seemed like it would be a good fit for her. She hadn’t but once I told her about it, she wanted to sign up to go this fall. I had been considering canceling my plans to go just the week before, but soon another woman joined our discussion and before you know it, we were all three booked to go and room together. Guys, we’ve never even met each other. And if social media were not a thing, we never would. But through social media, I have two new friends and I have a feeling we are going to have a blast in Colorado this October.

So what’s my point? I guess I’m just feeling like we all need to take a step back, assume people are doing the best they can, and start focusing more on being who we want to be rather than trying to convince others to be who we want them to be. None of us has the full story. None of us knows anything truly for sure. So it would behoove us (yes, I said behoove…I’ve been reading a lot of regency time period romances lately) to think what we think, believe what we believe, but always make a little room for, “But I may be wrong.”

P.S. I’ve included a few interesting YouTube videos below about the subject of Confirmation Bias or the closely related Motivated Reasoning. Also, my husband and son found my phone. On the side of the road, crushed to bits after sliding off the top of my SUV where I had unknowingly placed it. Oy!

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What Kind of Animal Are You?

Okay, that title is a multiple choice question, not a rhetorical one. What kind of animal are you? Here are your choices:

1. Lion

2. Otter

3. Golden Retriever

4. Beaver

Now, if you’re jumping out of your seat right now with your hand waving in the air, saying, “Oooh, tell me which one I am!!” you can take a seat. You’re an Otter.

If you’d like more time to think this over and more specific details about the animals, you’re probably a Beaver.

If you’re waiting patiently for me to tell you which one you are, you’re probably a Golden Retriever.

And if you think this list is silly and you’d rather use your own list, you’re probably a Lion.

seven-year-old jonny

While that was not a scientific experiment, and no one is strictly all one personality type, it is interesting to see how similar we can be to the personality profiles that are out there. The one I’m highlighting today is from a children’s book by Gary Smalley and John Trent called, The Treasure Tree. I remember reading it with my youngest when he was seven and it was amazing how quickly he could identify some basic traits in our family members. 

The story follows four animals (you guessed it): A lion, otter, beaver and golden retriever who are best friends heading out on an adventure to find a treasure tree. Four keys must be found and each of the different personalities comes in handy to help find the keys.

It’s a great way to introduce young children to the concept of personality styles. I love the idea of kids learning about this because I desperately wish I had understood it at a younger age. I think it would have helped me to be more secure in who I was and not as easily intimidated by people with different personalities.

You may not be familiar with these particular personality styles so I’ll give a quick overview. (For today, I’m using the animal names used in the Treasure Tree but in parenthesis, I’ll indicate the corresponding personality style from the popular DiSC profile.) Keep in mind, most people are a combination of two or three of the styles, with one or two being the most predominant. For example, I’m a Golden Retriever-Otter with some Lion thrown in for good measure. As you read through the characteristics, I bet people will automatically come to mind for each animal.

Lion (Direct)

Lions are extroverts who are task oriented. They are leaders, partly because they enjoy being in control. They love a challenge and they expect people to follow them and do things their way. They make decisions quickly, without showing any fear. They have to be careful that they don’t come across as arrogant and unyielding.

Otter (Influential)

Otters are extroverts who are people oriented. They love to talk and they’re the life of the party. You know it when they walk into a room because they make their presence known, often speaking or laughing loudly. They are fun and spontaneous, playful and enthusiastic. On the down-side they tend to be disorganized, chronically late and have difficulty focusing on tasks. They despise details.

Golden Retriever (Steady)

Retrievers are introverts who are people oriented. They are kind and compassionate. They like security and enjoy a small group of close friends. They make others feel welcomed and loved. They are great listeners and are loyal friends. They avoid conflict and change, preferring to keep the status quo. They can be stubborn and they don’t always like to try new things.

Beaver (Cautious)

Beavers are introverts who are task oriented. They are organized and they love the details, always asking lots of questions. They finish what they start. They can be very creative and inventive. They like order and predicability. They have to be careful not to be too critical of others or expect others to live up to their high personal standards.

If you’re a mom or dad, I’ll bet you can see your kids in some of those descriptions. I literally have one of each. And it helps me to know that my Golden Retriever-Beaver doesn’t want to sing in the school musical because it’s just not how he’s wired. I have some Otter in me so I like to be on stage and for a while, I truly couldn’t understand why he preferred to be on the stage crew, behind the scenes. I just thought he needed more encouragement to get out on the stage. But as I applied what I know about personality styles I realized that he has little to no Otter in him so it’s completely understandable that he doesn’t want to be the center of attention.

On the other hand, I have an Otter who never stops talking. Every day, when he gets home from school, he asks who he can go play with. Every day! His social calendar exhausts me. And while I set limits because I can’t allow “play-dates” every day, I understand that being social is hard-wired for him. He thrives on social interaction. Knowing that helps me put more effort into arranging for friends to come over.

How about you? Do you see yourself in these descriptions? Do you see your kids, spouse or friends? Learning more about how the personality styles interact can be incredibly beneficial in all your relationships. I could probably write 5 more posts on this subject, there is so much to talk about (there’s the Otter in me, coming out again.) But for now, you could take an online assessment. Some assessments cost money, others require an email subscription and some are just free. If you google "free online disc assessment" a wide variety will come up. Enjoy the process and keep in mind, these kinds of things are meant to help you figure some things out but none are perfect and none are for boxing you in to one type of personality. Have fun with it but don't take it too seriously! (There's another assessment tool called, Strengths Finder, that I absolutely love. I'll do a future post on that one!

I'd love to hear your thoughts on personality profiles/assessments in the comments below!

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Note to my Readers: In the transition to this website I will be posting some of my most popular blog posts from my original blog. This one was, by far, the most viewed post on my blog. I think people are fascinated by personality profiles and figuring out what makes us tick. None of it is 100% accurate nor is it meant to box people in. But if it's looked at as a helpful tool, I think it can really help make relationships easier. I'll be posting more on the subject for sure. Stay tuned...